Blog Your Heart

It's that time again.  Stephanie Howell is hosting Blog Your Heart on her blog again.  I realize you all wait for this moment, where I pour my heart out.  Okay, maybe not so much.

1.  I am OVERWHELMED at this instant.  I have so many photos to edit.  So many photo sessions scheduled, so much homework to help the boys with, so much work to do at school, so much mess to clean.  I feel like it will never get tackled.

2.  I love my Dad.  I do.  I love him for everything that he does for us and our family.  I love him for how good he is to my boys.  I spent the day chit-chatting about him...Good Ol Clark.  That man is a gem I tell you.  A real gem.  I am who I am today because of him.

3.  I love my friends.  I love them so much.  My dear friends that I have known my entire life.  They love me.  They get me.  They read my blog and tell me how much they love to hear me type.  We are separated by many miles, but they get to hear me through my writing.  I love how I can laugh with them.  I love that I can tell them things I tell no one else.  They are a soft place to land when I am feeling low, even if they are forcing me to read The Life of Pi.

4.  A lot of people tell me I should write a book about my life.  They find my life amusing.  Maybe I should.  I am really considering it.  I just don't know where to start.  Writing a whole novel with hundreds of pages is actually intimidating.  And for really and truly, things haven't always been peaches and cream around here.  I am trying to bridge that gap.  What if I write a book, and it makes it big?  That is a huge long shot in many ways.  One that I actually write it.  Two, that people would actually want to read it.  There are things that would have to be explained.

5.  I seriously lost it the other day.  I did.  My kids fight ALL THE TIME!  ALL THE TIME!  I deal with children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I am a teacher.  All day long I deal with 24 first graders.  The other 16 1/2 hours, I deal with my own personal three.  I am so tired.  If you're not a teacher, then you don't get it.  I don't get adult conversation during the day.  I have thirty minutes for lunch.  I cram my food down my throat as fast as I can.  I don't get to use the bathroom unless someone can cover my class.  I can't answer my phone or text my friends unless I take the chance of being written up.  I don't get to make Dr.s appointments at my convenience.  When my family calls, I can't answer unless I am willing to take a chance of being written up.  I can't sit at my computer and check my email.  Again that whole write up thing.  I hear children tattle all day long.  I have one of the hardest students I've ever had in 11 years of teaching.  I love that kid.  I do, but even I wear out.  I NEVER get time to myself.  Erik has opposite days off as me.  My Monday is his Friday.  His Friday is my Monday.  He gets days to himself.  Why can't I?  My days off, I deal with the kids.  We took a day off together, and instead of doing what I wanted, I felt pressure to please him.  Why must mother's always be the ones who have to deal ALL the time?  I actually ran away.  I ran away from my house.  I left.  I turned my phone off, and I took a little break.  My break consisted of one whole beer at Cattle Baron.  And then sitting in my car and listening to SILENCE.  No noise.  It was so peaceful.  I need more peaceful days where I don't have to meet anyone's expectations but my own.  And I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone.  I feel like I always have to be the strong one.  If I'm not then I get punished with not knowing things, with people not confiding in me.  I am a delicate flower, but I'm not a delicate flower.   I am always the person I was.  I just have to find me.