Saturday, December 22, 2012

Hopeless...a few words.

So, let me just get it all out there.  Let me just tell the truth.  The fact of the matter is that I have felt so lost this last year or two.  I haven't scrapbooked.  I haven't done the things I've wanted to do.  And I really think, if you go back and read my posts on this blog there were hints to this.  Little hints that some part of me was no longer there.  Because it wasn't.  I was lost.  Lost in something.  What it was, I don't know.  I wasn't sad, per say.  I just felt off.  I let things overwhelm me.  I let things slip by.  I let things go...and I let myself go.  And I don't mean I gained like 50 lbs.  I just mean, I may have forgotten who I was.  Then, I got to the point where I couldn't take anymore.  I wanted to be me again.  That crazy girl...the funny one...the serious one...the fashionable one...the one who didn't ever give up.  I wanted that girl.  I missed her.  I really missed her.  And so two weeks ago, I bought a journal.  Because I needed one.  I NEEDED to have this one little place to myself.  I wanted to share it on my blog, I did.  I just couldn't summon the energy to do it.  And when I bought that journal, I felt the first layer crack.  I felt it slip away.  I hugged my journal...and I loved it.  Erik may/maynot have thought I was insane.  And then I also had to let go of my dream.  I cried for my dream.  I mean I laid on the floor of the closet and sobbed.  I cried for all I wished for.  It had to slip away.  And that dream was moving home.  Raising my boys at home.  HOME...a small little town that I love.  But I had to let it go.  The things I envisioned for my life, I had to realize were over.  You see, my husband was perfection at his job.  He represented everything for me.  Everything, I couldn't physically be.  I can't work on a jobsite.  I'm not strong enough.  It just couldn't happen.  I grew up on a jobsite.  And I learned so many, many things.  But you see, my husband represented ME.  He lived my dream.  He lived it for 10 years.  And he did it without complaint.  He went to work everyday and he gave his best.  But his best was NEVER good enough.  It was never, never good enough.  There is this thing called control...and I understand control because I love control.  I do.  It is what I need.  I thrive on it.  But I had to let it go.  And this past year has been about me fighting for control.  Guess what?  Control means nothing.  It means absolutely nothing if it comes at the cost of everything.  The way I always envisioned my life is over.  It's gone.  We aren't going to move home.  We aren't going to be a part of the most important thing I've ever been part of.  It's done.  And it burns all the way down to my soul.  It does.  I just cannot change things, because I don't have that kind of control.  It's really hard to write this, because it's always hard to give up on your dreams.  It's so hard to let them go, when it's all you wished for.  And I know this sounds so crazy, but I finished reading Hopeless (by Colleen Hooover) today.  And every last thing clicked into place.  The last layer was broken.  And I felt this freedom in my stomach.  This huge relief.  I haven't felt it in so long.  I actually felt the knot in my stomach loosen.  The story was everything I needed.  It was poignant.  It was perfect.  I was breathless, because there were so many words in it that made sense to me.  That struck home.

And so today, I scrapbooked.  It felt so good.  Then I ordered pictures for my Project Life Album.  And they're going to be printed.  And I'm going to finish it.  For this next year, I came up with one little word (Thanks Ali Edwards...her one little word project rang in my head loudly).  The word is BALANCE.  Balance, and because I didn't want to procrastinate until 2013, I started trying to figure out things.  I want my life back in balance.  I want it all to make sense.  I don't want to be overwhelmed anymore.  I want to be that ferocious, passionate girl I've always been.  And I'm going to find her.  I know I am.  And I know that everything is going to balance out.  It's going to work out.  And, God, you guys...I am so back.  I am so back.  And it feels so good to say this.  You don't know what this means.  Thank you all for riding along.  For sharing in my moments.  Thank you so much...but just know I'm back!  I AM BACK!


  1. You are very inspiring! I found your blog over at Ali's OLW post. Good luck with your balance this year. I know you can do it! cheers!

    1. Thank you, Lucy! I can't wait to get things in order. Good luck, I hope you "enjoy" your upcoming year.



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