Sunday, March 16, 2014

Struggling Here

This blog is my place.  It's my place to share my thoughts, to get it all out, to do whatever I want, to be me.  I'm so thankful for this blog in so many ways.  I'm just struggling to keep it up.  I have nothing to write about.  I feel like I can't utter...okay type a damn sentence sometimes if you want to be technical.  So many nights, I come in here and try to type something anything and nothing comes out.  I end up deleting what I've written or just don't write anything at all.  Let's just say the start to this year has been crap.  I don't like to complain, and my life is filled with so, so many blessings.  It feels wrong to complain, but I think I just need to get it out.  We have been sick this entire year.  It started with Erik and Maddie.  Then I got sick, and my sickness turned into the bronchitis.  Then the damn dog hit my knee and I'm still having problems with that.  It's just so stupid.  Then my grandfather died.  I'm relieved that it went so quickly.  I really am.  He was not comfortable in his last hours.  I never thought he would die like that.  I just thought we would get a call in the morning that he passed away in his sleep.  It was the first time that someone so close to me died.  I still don't think it's fully hit me.  I feel guilty because I'm glad that he passed.  I feel guilty that I went home and was going to bed so I could relieve my mom and aunt in the morning, and I missed his last breath on this Earth.  I was gone for an hour.  I really thought he would last the night.  Then I feel so sad when I remember him as the man who took care of me, helped me with my Science Olympiad projects, taught me the parts of an engine, shielded me from my grandmother, helped my mother with so many Honey Do projects around the house.  He was always there.  Always patient.  Always kind.  He was such a quiet man.  He would brush my hair for hours when I was a kid.  He would rub my back or sore legs while we watched TV in the evenings.  I find so much comfort in rubbing my kids backs while we cuddle on the couch.  He was the Black Cow maker (ice cream and pepsi or coke).  He was the one who couldn't hear a thing the way it came out and we laughed so many times at what he thought we said.  For example, when my grandmother once asked him if he would greet her with a smile and a kiss, he said why would I beat you with a filing cabinet?  After all of that, Maddie got Strep.  Then Maddie went to the hospital and that was such a scary thing.  I felt it in my gut by Sunday evening that something was wrong.  I just knew it, and I wished I could talk to his pediatrician.  Alas, his pediatrician is on hiatus in North Dakota because of Obamacare.  And that is not a joke, nor am I trying to put down Obamacare.  But the one man I wanted to talk to was gone because he's tired of dealing with all of the insurance changes.  Keep in mind that the kid's pediatrician was my pediatrician until I was 20.  I just wanted to talk to a doctor I could trust.  Luckily, the doctor in my doctor's office caught it, that something was wrong.  At first, he wanted to dismiss Maddie's problems as seasonal allergies.  I was adamant, and he decided to do a urine sample.  That's when they found blood in his urine and told me he needed to be taken to the hospital in El Paso immediately.  I'm telling you, Moms, if you feel it in your gut, something is wrong, it is.  It was terrifying for me.  I am so thankful to the wonderful doctors and nurses at the hospital.  They really took good care of him and tried to ease my panic.  After that whole ordeal, Wolfie got the stomach flu.  He's doing better now.  Thank God.  The good news is Maddie has been a trooper throughout this whole thing.  He has taken this low sodium diet in stride.  It hasn't been that hard, with our diet.  I'm sorry for the long post with no paragraphing.  I had to purge the bad JuJu.  It had to come out.  And, if you made it to the bottom of this, thanks for listening.  Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read a part of mine. P.S...I didn't proofread this so if there are typos and such I'm sorry.  I'm usually a stickler for that, but today I just wanted to purge.  Have a good night. P.S.S.  Sorry for no picture.  You know how I feel about that.

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