Blog Your Heart

This was a prompt from Stephanie Howell's blog.  I've been reading her blog for a few years now.  The first time I read her blog, and I loved it.  Anyway, she has challenged us to "blog from the heart" so here goes.
****warning this post may be jumpy and random, but I guess that's how my brain goes...

My life is happy, and wonderful, and beautiful.  I am married to a man that I am still so in love with it is unbelievable.  He is everything to me, and I feel that I would not be me without him.

This summer has been so hard.  Erik started the police academy 19 weeks ago.  It has totally changed our lives.  It has changed him so much.  I love the happiness and excitement I see in him.  It has totally changed our summer, though.  We are the hunting, fishing, camping family, and we have done none of those things this year.  We've made two day trips to the lake this summer.  We haven't even opened up our camping trailer.

Bits and pieces are coming out from Erik, and I can't help but feel guilty that he kept his job the last ten years to make me happy.  I don't mean that he thought, gee I can't quit because it will make Mariah unhappy, but I think he did it for so long for that reason.  I know he wasn't entirely happy with his work.  He needs to be challenged, to have something to look forward to, to work towards.  I feel bad that sometimes I feel that he wasted his last ten years, though he insists he didn't and appreciates it all, trying to make sure I was happy.  That makes me feel a little sad.  Sad that he was always free to choose the path he wanted.  But I feel like he didn't have the faith in me to be able to handle or deal with the change.  I could handle it.  Maybe I'm being selfish making it about me.  I know that he didn't want to cause division with my family.  But, there wouldn't have been division.  Sometimes, I wish too, that he would have been appreciated more in the last 10 years for the man he is.  That more faith and responsibility would have been placed in his hands.  I think things would have been different.  He is so smart, and capable, and such a good leader.  In his current position now, he is so respected and looked up to by everyone, and I'm proud of that.

I've realized to this summer that my children will probably never have cousins from my brothers.  My brothers will probably never have children of their own.  That saddens me, deeply.  My maiden name will not be carried on.  I'm proud of that name.  I'm proud of my family, living, and dead for the things they have done to make that name.  I wanted so badly to be an aunt.  I wanted some little girls in our family so they could have sleepovers at my house.  I could fix their hair, paint their nails, and buy them cute clothes.  This will probably never happen.

I'm tired of competition.  I'm not really a competitive person.  I'm not.  There are only a few things in life that I really care about.  My family, my job.  Basically, I guess that's all.  I'm so tired of being in this one upping contest.  I'm not playing.  I don't want to play.  That song, "Whatever you can do, I can do better," that's what I feel it's like.  I can do something but you can do it better.  I don't want to play, I never wanted to get in the game.  I'm not playing.  But, I feel that I'm being dragged in everyday.  I can't say anything without a one upped comment.  I'm tired of it.

I wish I had one great friend.  One friend that was like a sister to me.  One friend that has kids, and things in common with me.  That believes in the same things I believe in.  That I could count on if I needed anything.  That I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to and not be judged for them.

And, if you made it this far...thanks for reading.